Sometimes – quite a lot of the time – my husband drives me mad. Shortly after our daughter was born he decided he would stop using half of his senses, you know like his eyesight or hearing. I have no idea why, as far as I know they are all in perfect working order.
Anyway, his busy job means that the bulk of the day to day parenting is left to me. So when school holidays roll round and he’s able to do more with our daughter I feel like I’m supervising a hapless intern. You know what I’m talking about: asking for specific instructions and not following them when provided; having to repeat yourself cos he was too busy talking over me; requiring geographical coordinates should I ask them to retrieve an object…. that kind of thing.
I mean the guy has a Bachelor’s, a Master’s and a PhD but when it comes to dressing the kid I still have to lay out the clothes in the order in which they go her body. If not laid out just so the kid ends up staying in her pyjamas until I change her.
The lack of common sense can be astounding and yet he assures me that he’s not really trying to break my spirit. Apparently that’s an unintended side effect. But just as I’m really losing the will, I get a small glimmer of hope.
The latest was last week on holiday….there I was, really wanting to punch him in the face (over what I can’t remember but I do remember the rage) and I caught a whiff of something. I was 98% sure that the kid hadn’t just massively shat herself in her best dress but I picked her up and angled her bum towards the husband’s nose anyway.
Me: Do you smell that? Has she done cacca?
Him (sniffing daughter’s butt): No I don’t think so….. [brief pause]…. in any case that smell didn’t smell like hers….
Me: [somewhat stunned – stares unblinking at husband]
It had never occurred to me that the man who can’t tell the difference between a bodysuit and a sleepsuit would be able to recognise the smell of our daughters shit at a distance. That’s when I knew that when it hits the fan he’ll be beside me and able to smell it from 10 paces.